The X Men Present: the Princess and the Pea
by TheBlueFoxtrot A Samba
Summary: Parody of the classic tale double feature: Romy and Kurtty style. Follows Chellerbelle's style
1. The Romy One

After much consulting and debating, I will admit that technically, I, Blue, for the most part, in accordance and context to the laws of reality and the facts of life verbatim do not in any way, shape, or form that can be physically, chemically, or naturally proven own Marvel in any noteworthy capacity.

Kazoo Productions ™presents:

There was a prince who wanted to marry a princess.

* * *

"Very reasonable fellow," Remy observed.

* * *

But she would have to be a real princess. He travelled all over the world to find one, but nowhere could he get what he wanted. There were princesses enough, but it was difficult to find out whether they were real ones. There was always something about them that was not as it should be. So he came home again and was sad, for he would have liked very much to have a real princess.

* * *

"Aw, poor Rems," Rogue said. "Just what was wrong with the girls?"

"They weren't you."

* * *

One evening a terrible storm came on. There was thunder and lightning, and the rain poured down in torrents. Suddenly a knocking was heard at the city gate, and the old king went to open it.

* * *

"Old king as in the one before the current king?" Remy asked. "Because otherwise, the very idea of a ruling king to open his own city gate in the middle of the night is completely stupid."

"And Remy knows about stupid," Rogue commented.

"Well, bien sur! I had to put up with Emil _and_ Sabretooth _and_ Magneto!"

"You were paid t' deal wit' de last deux," Jean Luc, the king, pointed out.

"Oui, _after_ you had the meeting and _you _signed the contract without tellin' moi anythin' 'bout it. Let's not forget that part," he near growled at the man.

**Down, Cajuns. Let's not get testy.

* * *

**

It was a princess standing out there in front of the gate. But, good gracious, what a sight the rain and the wind had made her look! The water ran down from her hair and clothes; it ran down into the toes of her shoes and out again at the heels. And yet she said that she was a real princess.

"Well, we'll soon find that out," thought the old king. But he said nothing, went into the bed-room, took all the bedding off the bedstead, and laid a pea on the bottom; then he took twenty mattresses and laid them on the pea, and then twenty eider-down beds on top of the mattresses.

* * *

"You have got to be the most paranoid man I've ever known," Remy commented.

"Did you really have to start with this?" Rogue mused.

"'S not paranoia when assassins really are tryin' t' kill ya, garcon," Jean Luc shot back.

"If only they was competent…"

"Wha's dat s'posed t' mean?"

"Pull ya head out of your – "

Rogue jerked Remy down by his collar, locking lips with the Cajun, effectively shutting him up.

**I appreciate that girl so much. Don't you, Jean Luc?**

"Eh, she's a decent daughter-in-law."

* * *

On this the princess had to lie all night. In the morning she was asked how she had slept.

* * *

**Ooh, askin' a lady, much less a princess, how she slept is a total breach of propriety! For shame.**

"Girl, why do ya know dat?"

**Well, Jean Luc, before fanfiction, I read my mom's books that she has in about five boxes in the garage and things from the library. They also didn't bathe regularly.**

"Uh-huh. Shouldn't ya be tryin' t' get dis done, 'stead o' talkin'?"

**I would, but you know how those two are once they get started. So…how's Tante?**

"Mean."

**Ah…and what about Lapin?**

"Annoyin'."

**Hm…GUYS! Anytime y'all decide to come up for air, we still have a production to finish! 'Cause I don't like talkin' to him!

* * *

**

"Oh, very badly!" she said "I have scarcely closed my eyes all night. Heaven only knows what was in the bed, but I was lying on something hard, so that I am black and blue all over my body. It's horrible!"

Now they knew that she was a real princess because she had felt the pea right through the twenty mattresses and the twenty eider-down beds. Nobody but a real princess could be as sensitive as that.

* * *

"Wait, that's a good thing?" Rogue asked, incredulous. "He actually wants a girl that spoiled?"

"And if she's that sensitive," Remy started, "how is he supposed to have – "

**This is K+; watch your mouth.**

"an heir without killin' her in the process?"

"She ain't gotta have de bebe," Jean-Luc shrugged.

"What, like a concubine?"

"Or _adoption_," Jean Luc replied pointedly. "Serve 'im right if de chil' turn out difficult as he was."

"Should I be concerned, sugar, that 'concubine' was the first that came to your mind?"

"'Course not, Chere. You know I just want you."

"Nice recovery, boy," Jean Luc laughed at him.

**Concubine might up this to T actually.

* * *

**

So the prince took her for his wife, for now he knew that he had a real princess; and the pea was put in the museum, where it may still be seen, if no one has stolen it.

* * *

Jean Luc and Rogue looked at Remy.

"What? _He _is the _King _of Thieves! And it's a pea. What would I do wit' that?"

"Do he sound defensive t' ya, petite?" Jean Luc asked her.

"Very. Think he did it?"

"Not really, non."

"Stop conferring with my wife!"

**Hehe…**


	2. The Kurtty One

_Greetings. The following tale will be different from the usual 'X Men Presents' stories because this one will be directed and narrated by me, Kazoo. Naturally, we own nothing._

Now, there was once a prince and he wanted a princess. Naturally, because such nonsense about marrying some commoner, no matter how pretty, was just _not_ done. No. In addition to being _a_ princess, she had to be a _real_ princess. Apparently, there were a lot of those running around, if that was such an issue.

Prince Kurt travelled around the world to find one, but he was extremely nit-picky, as there was _always_ something wrong.

* * *

"Vhy am I zhe the prince? What happened to Remy and Rogue?"

_**We always use them. All the time. Besides…your fur is a rather nice shade of blue.**_

"Oh. Um, danke. Your fur is nice, too."

_**I know.

* * *

**_

Certainly, there were princesses a-plenty, but whether they were real princesses or just hiring out a castle during his stay in their province, he had difficulty discovering. There was always _something_ that was just not quite right.

* * *

_**At this rate, you'll die alone.**_

"Hey!"

_**I calls it the ways I sees it. Now that I think of it –**_

"You don't usually zhink?"

_**Don't get snarky with me. As I was saying, what's wrong with the girls is that they're probably afraid of you.**_

Kurt sighed.

"That's…probably true."

**_You can do better.

* * *

_**

At long last, he finally had come home again to the palace of the king and queen. Yet he was very sad because he wanted a real princess so badly.

One evening there was a terrible thunderstorm. It thundered and lightninged and the rain poured down in torrents; indeed it was a frightful night.

In the middle of the storm, somebody knocked at the town gate, and the king –

* * *

_**No! No, no, no! Not the king. What moron king answers his own door? Magneto wouldn't even do something so stupid! Xavier doesn't even answer his own door. And how, if the storm is indeed so terrible, did he hear someone knocking at the **_**town**_** door? AND –**_

The cast stare at the ranting, blue fox warily and back away slowly.

…_**I mean, really? I refuse to work with someone so stupid. Lensherr, you're out of here.**_

The master of magnetism promptly departed without a word and faster than Quicksilver on speed.

_**Now let's try this.

* * *

**_

The guardsman on the tower heard a knocking at the town gate below. He sent word to the king and queen –who were in their palace, where they didn't have to do such trivial things like answer doors – of it, and how the figure appeared to be that of a woman. The king and queen bid the guards to open the gate and bring the woman to them.

She said she was a princess. But, good gracious, what a sight the rain and the wind had made her look! The water ran down from her brown hair and clothes; it ran down into the toes of her shoes and out again at the heels. And yet she said that she was a real princess.

King Remy gave his Queen Rogue a look. The two would find out soon enough whether the woman was a suitable match for their brother.

* * *

"Vait. So I'm the prince, and Remy and Rogue are king and queen, but I'm zheir brother?"

_**You're Rogue's brother, and Remy's brother-in-law. Keep up.**_

"Hello! Cold, wet, and, like, freezing over here," Kitty said.

_**Excuse you. Do not rush me, Katharine. We'll do this when I say we do this. So then, Remy detach yourself from Rogue, and we'll go on.

* * *

**_

But they said not a word to each other and only instructed a servant to go into the bed-room, take all the bedding off the bedstead, and lay a pea on the bottom then cover it with twenty mattresses and laid them on the pea, and then twenty eider-down beds on top of the mattresses.

* * *

"Why are _we _doing this when Remy and Rogue, like, did it already?"

_**Because, Kathy –**_

"Kitty."

_**Whatever. Blue already did Romy. I wanted to do Kurtty.**_

"But we're not even dating! Kurt doesn't even like me like that."

_**Is that what you think?**_

"Of course. That's how it is. Right, Kurt? Kurt?"

"Um…"

_**Are you blushing, Mr. Wagner?**_

"Bitte don't ask me zhat."

"But – but what about Amanda?"

"I'd…rather not talk about it."

"Oh my gosh! Did you two break up? How could you not tell me?"

"Vell…"

Remy glanced at the amused looking fox. Or…as amused as a fox can look.

"Ya enjoyin' this, ain't you?"

_**Rather a lot, yes. But you'll learn soon enough…**_

"Quoi?"

_**What? Let's keep this moving, people!

* * *

**_

On this the princess had to lie all night. In the morning she was asked how she had slept.

"Oh, very badly!" she said "I have scarcely closed my eyes all night. Heaven only knows what was in the bed, but I was lying on something hard, so that I am black and blue all over my body. It's horrible!"

Now they knew that she was a real princess because she had felt the pea right through the twenty mattresses and the twenty eider-down beds. Nobody but a real princess could be as sensitive as that.

* * *

"Y'all already know what I think 'bout this," Remy shrugged.

"Yeah, Rems," Rogue agreed, "We all know."

"So then, what 'bout you deux?"

"Remy," Kitty said very seriously, "Kurt and I are trying to have an _important_ conversation here."

"Oh. _'Kurt_ and _I'._ Excusez-moi."

Rogue rolled her eyes.

"Remy?"

"Hm?"

"Stop, please."

"Okay."

* * *

So the prince took her for his wife, for now he knew that he had a real princess; and the pea was put in the museum, where it may still be seen.

* * *

"Look, Kurt. I just want to know where we stand. I mean, do you still have a crush on me or not?"

"…Ja."

"Okay. Um…well."

"Ja."

Remy and Rogue sat quietly to the side watching the two. Kazoo, seeing as the Southern couple wasn't going to help the awkward situation, decided to take matters into his own han – paws.

_**You two should go get pizza.**_

"What?"

_**Go get pizza right now, or I swear on the order of the White Knights that I will unleash the Jabberwock on you all!**_

Kurt seized Kitty's hand and

BAMF

_**And that's how you do it.**_

"Do what?" Rogue challenged. "Force two people into a relationship by playing on their fear with baseless threats and feigning insanity."

"What she said," Remy nodded.

_**Yes. And it is neither baseless nor a feint. Ever hear of 'crazy like a fox'? You two are dismissed now. Unless you **_**want**_** to do another story.**_

"We're good," Remy said, taking Rogue by the hand. "Let's go play Monopoly, chere."

_**Midnight Auroura…I had to do it.**_


End file.
